Daddy

This might be a little heavy, but my dad found out today that he has prostate cancer. He's 63, so it was pretty much bound to happen some time soon, but this seems a little too soon. I don't know anything about prostate cancer except that it basically gets to all men at some point. "If you don't die from it, you die with it." But I don't know what kind of prognosis people like him have. He's still relatively young, he's in otherwise good health, they caught it before it was really affecting him physically (the only reason why they tested him was because his somethingsomething levels were elevated). He's going to be having surgery. What does that mean? Is it like a tumor? Can you remove it? Will he have to do chemo? Will he die?

My dad lost most of his hair to old manness a while ago, but the thought of him losing it all (including his bushy eyebrows) is something that wrecks me. My dad raised me (my mom worked a lot). He's my guy. He carried me like a princess when I scraped my knee as a kid, he brushed my hair, he gave me ginger ale when I was sick, he watched movies with me to calm me down before I took my SATs, he cries when he reads my Father's Day cards. I would not be a whole me if he were not in this world with me.

You know what's not helping? I'm watching the damn Biggest Loser finale. How can you not cry at this show?

Old People

I recently realized that old people weren't always old. Which is obvious. But I never really thought about it. Kids are kids, adults are adults, and old people are old people. But I'm going to be old one day. One day soon, if we're thinking with a larger than average scope here. And when I get old, I won't be used to it. I always think old people have always been old, so having aching bones and bad memories is just old hat to them, but it's not. Every change in their bodies and minds is new and strange. So when they complain about their bodies it's because they never thought it would happen to them. It's true! We never think it'll happen to us. My body isn't falling apart because I'm a young person. But my body is falling apart. Every day, bit by bit. That's so sad, but I don't mean to be depressing. I just find it interesting. I think it makes me appreciate my youth a little more. Because I know I won't have it forever.

My brain is broken

It's this little guy's fault

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLdQ3UhLoD4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcuteoverload.com%2F2009%2F04%2F22%2Fi-had-that-dream-again-last-night%2F&feature=player_embedded

OH BY THE WAY

The whole "girls don't poop" conversation came up again today. So...you know, it really does happen. Like a lot. A lot more than it should. Which is never.

Twitter

Man, it's been a while.

So here's my belief about Twitter: Old people think it's the next big thing and all the kids are doing it, so they do it too. But really, only old people use Twitter, and we young folks are just fine with our Facebook thankyouverymuch.

I think this because I have no interest in Twitter, I have no friends who have an interest in it, and I've never heard a young person talking about wanting to join. On the other hand, I've heard Oprah, Barbara Walters, Larry King, U.S. Senators, etc all talking about joining. "I'm putting myself on that new fangled Twitter thing all the kids are doing. I'll send you guys a ..what is it called? a Tweet? A Tweet? It's called Twitter but you send Tweets?" OHH GOD SHUT UP

Can Twitter be passe yet?

List of Asshole Characters

There are some beloved characters from children's books, movies, etc. that are assholes, if you really think about it. Here are a few:

Curious George. He wasn't curious. Let's call it what it was. He was an asshole. He was always doing things he knew he wasn't supposed to do: breaking things, running away, stealing that poor man's hat. I don't know why that guy put up with him.

Mary Poppins. I know, she's so fun and helpful and tidy, but she was a bitch. She took those kids on a crazy acid-trip adventure, and then when they get home and try to tell their parents about it, she's like, "What? You kids are crazy. We've been hanging out here all day." And they're just like, "Are we crazy? Did we just hallucinate? Or if not, why is she telling us to lie? I thought she loved us...." Those poor emotionally abused children.

The Trix Cereal Kids. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" Come on assholes, can't you give him one damn bite? Would it be SO hard? You seemingly have an endless supply of that crap, and he just wants to try a little taste.

The Mouse that wanted the cookie. Do you have to give him everything? He'll never learn that way. Life is about give and take; relationships take work. He can't expect to lead a fulfilling life if he never gives anything of himself.

Ok, I'm not saying that Madeline was a bitch, but she was one bratty little girl. Ugh just look at her. She's so damn smug.


By the way, people, I'm loving all the comments! Thanks for joining me here. I wish I could "reply" to your comments, but it'll just make a new comment and you won't see it unless you obsessively check back here regularly...which would scare me. Let me know if there is some way to actually reply to others instead of just starting a whole new comment entry.

Am I Gonna Gross You Out?

Here's another thing I hate. Have you ever heard a guy say, "I refuse to believe that girls shit"? I've heard that so many times. Guys either joke (I hope!) about not believing that we shit, or they say they don't want to know about it, think about it, if they were married, they never want to hear, see, or smell anything in that realm associated with their wives, etc. etc. And the girls always play along. "Oh we don't shit. Rainbows and rose petals. Glitter. Our food just dissolves into our bloodstream and converts to oxygen, anythingyouwantifyoujustvalidatemy
existencebyshowingaromanticinterestinme."

Can we please effing stop this?

I'm a girl. I'm cute, feminine, polite, and classy (and modest too!). But guess what, assholes! I shit. And I should not have to feel uncomfortable about that. I should not have go to unimaginable lengths to hide the fact from any male companion. I will always be a very discreet person, because that is my personality, but I should not have to be paranoid about someone discovering the fact that my body processes food in the same way that every other human being's does.

Especially considering the fact that guys are allowed to speak of dropping a deuce as if it's a transcendent, rapturous experience...one which can warrant photographic documenting.

And Here's Where I Alienate a Shitload of People

Ok, here's my deal with recreational marijuana. I hate it. I don't know why exactly, I can't put my finger on it, but I hate pot. Not in the sense that I hate smoking it; I've never experienced it personally (what an ignorant schmuck I am!), I just hate the idea of it, I hate that people do it, I hate learning that someone I know does it or did it or wants to do it. And it seems that about 90% of this nation is smoking pot, which is all the more disheartening.

Here's my best attempt to explain why I hate it. First off, I don't really like the idea of any kind of "drug." Cigarettes, coffee, energy drinks, yes, even alcohol ...meth of course. I'm no Mormon, I don't have a moral issue with it, it's not so much, "body is your temple" kind of thing. I just hate the idea of people needing something to make them feel normal. Like when people say, "ugh, don't talk to me until I have my coffee." "I'm dying in here, I need a cigarette." Why can't we just be ourselves whoever that happens to be? I'm grumpy and sleepy in the morning. And that's ok. I'm stressed out, and that's ok. I AM OK WITH FEELING THINGS.

So, yes, any type of drug is not a friend of mine. And pot is especially annoying because it (stereotypically) makes people lazy, stupid, and, irresponsible. So it's not even making people friendlier or more productive (like caffeine). And it smells like SHIT. And it's a waste of time and money.

But I think mainly my issue with pot is that people think they're so cool when they use it. I don't have good evidence for this, it's just a general sense. Like with any drug, people think they are cooler for doing it. The way they sit, the way they hold the piece, the way they draw out their words like they're just too cool to care about nerdy things like diction and enunciation. And words with more than one syllable. Why are we perpetually stuck in 7th grade?? Always trying to be cool, whatever the fuck that means. I hate anything that people do out of the pursuit of coolness (though I especially hate anything that people choose NOT to do simply out the pursuit of coolness).

So anyway, back to grass. weed. hash. Mary Jane. heh heh it's like "marijuana" except it's like a little code word. heheheheh ughhhh........

Sigh...sorry guys, I'm just not cool enough for that shit. Off I go to my apple juice and Cadbury's Fruit and Nut Bar.

The Cosby Show

Was this not the best show on earth?? Cliff and his hoagies and orange soda, Rudy and "Buuuud", the cutefest that was Olivia, ugh. Just everything. Tonight, they aired the one where we're taken inside Rudy's dream or something, and the family is all wearing costumes that are made to look like children's drawings (white in back, like the back side of the paper!). How creative is that? And the relationship between Cliff and Clair. The balance of humor and sincerity, and passion and respect. The way Cliff would give his kids a hard time about getting out of his house, but he spends so much time with them, trying to help them with their problems. Clair being a lawyer. They could have made her anything. But they made her a lawyer. She's smart and elegant and classy. Ughhh what a great show. And now what do we have? King of Queens. Everybody Loves Raymond. Still Standing. Gross.

3 Things

1. I was in a restaurant bathroom the other day and the toilet seat WAS HEATED. But of course, it's not like there was a sign there telling me this or anything, I had to figure it out myself. I was peeing and the seat was nice and warm...and I figured it was just from the person before me (EW!), but it didn't fade...it was consistently the same temperature. When I was done peeing, I even put the back of my hand on the seat to make sure my thighs weren't crazy. Yes, it was warm. Now, I am the first person on this planet to vote for more warm things. I love warm things. The warmer the better. But this was creepytown.

2. I just saw a commercial for a new movie coming up. It's called "17 Again" or something like that, and it's starring Zac Efron. Now it's true that I am a Twilight fan, but I am not in general a tween-style fangrrl, so Zac Efron does nothing for me. HOWEVER. This movie looks fantastic. I am ashamed, but I want to see this movie. It looks really funny. And Zefron is actually pretty cute acting all paternal. Is that weird?

3. Clive Owen. What is his deal. He is a really good actor and he is very sexy. He could be in some really great movies. But what has he done with his career? He's done bullshit, that's what. King Arthur? Shoot 'Em Up? DUPLICITY?? He was fantastic in Closer. And maybe Shoot Em Up was a good movie for what it was meant to be, but what it was meant to be was a joke. And if one of your best movies is "Children of Men", you've got problems. And now this Duplicity bullshit. Come on Clive! Have some pride in yourself.

Vibrating Beds

I want one. When I'm in a car or on a bus, the bumping of the road makes me fall asleep in like 2 seconds. So if I could just get myself a vibrating bed, I could fall asleep right when I want to, instead of laying there waiting for sleep to come. I tried looking up vibrating beds because I know they existed at some point, at least in cheap motels in the sixties, but I couldn't really figure out what they were supposed to be for. Whenever I've seen them in movies they were being associated with sex ...or just scuminess. But surely they weren't actually made for that reason. ...right? So they must have been made as a sleep aid. Like enough other people had the same need to be jostled around that they actually rigged up some beds? Well where are they now?! Let's bring 'em back baby!

rejected

I'm in a very bad place right now. Just feeling very rejected by all of humanity. Feeling like an alien in your own apartment is not fun. My dad told me this morning that my grandpa died last night. I'm ok with this, he was 92 and he had been really sick for the last couple of months. His actual death was a surprise because he had been stable, wasn't hooked up to any tubes or anything, we figured we had a few more months at the very least. But his nurse came in to give him his meds and he was lying on the floor of his bathroom. They believe he had a heart attack. It seems like he probably went pretty easily, so that's a comfort. I feel bad for my dad though (his son). I know he was caught off guard like all of us, even though we feel we don't have the right to be surprised since he was ill. And old. I called my dad today to say I was sorry and he had to work to keep his voice normal. This has nothing to do with my first couple of sentences. I'm not upset over his death. I mean I am, in the sense that it's upsetting when we lose someone; the idea that you will never see them again, never talk to them, etc. But he wasn't really himself for a while, and we weren't super close, so I'm not destroyed like people normally are. I just feel for my dad. But I started this paragraph talking about something else. Something infinitely more self-centered and petty. I don't feel like really getting into it right now, but I always feel like a reject in this world, like people think I'm too weird to relate to. And most of the time I can go through life not caring, or ignoring it, or convincing myself that it doesn't matter, but sometimes I just get so tired of that. I just want to be accepted and appreciated and treated like a fucking human being with as much value as anyone else. And tonight is one of those nights. So I was sitting here crying over myself and thinking "there is no one I can talk to to make it feel better." I could call my ex, because we're still friends and he's the one person that I really feel like myself around. But it's late, and it wouldn't be right anyway. I don't have a close friend, I couldn't call my parents. I don't believe in god, so I can't pray or imagine that there's a guy with a white beard looking down from his cloud thinking, "oh my child, my peace I give to you." And I was thinking, maybe there is life after death and my grandpa is recently passed, so maybe he could come sit with me. And as much as I would probably be scared out of my brain if I saw a "ghost", and as much as my grandpa of all people would be an awkward comforter for me, I was wishing for him to show up in my room and understand. And then I was thinking, "oh and then I could believe in an afterlife and God, and be happy and normal, and have meaning in my life and all that." But he didn't come. So I flipped channels on the tv, fruitlessly hoping that there would be some sort of sign from heaven in the late night talk shows and infomercials. Of course, no. Maybe he's busy reuniting with Grandma.

Seckel Pears

Can we talk about Seckel Pears for a minute? I just discovered these little guys a couple of weeks ago, and I'm in love. They're amazing. They are sweeter than normal pears, seemingly always ripe, and just the right size. A normal pear is too big for me, especially if I just want a snack, or if I want to be hungry enough to eat again in the next 5 hours. But these little guys are perfect. Just a few bites of heaven and you're done! Or...ready for the next one. How mundane can this blog get? A post dedicated to pears? Really? Well, you obviously haven't tried these nuggets of paradise. Mundane, perhaps, but this is my life bitch! Deal with it.

Orchid

Y'all, I gotta change my little profile blurb. My orchid died. How did this happen?? I bought it like a month and a half ago, and my co-worker bought one at the same time so that we could go through it together. The woman at the flower shop told us to water them like once or twice a month and then spray them once a week. Every other thing we read told us to water them once a week. But the flower shop lady stressed that it should be once or twice a month because everyone drowns theirs. So that's what we did. And what happened? They shriveled up and died. Throwing away a dead plant is so sad. But looking at one every day is even worse.

Bloopers

Bloopers. We need more of them. Every time I rent a video, I check the "specials features" section. And 95% of the time, there are no bloopers. Outtakes, gag real, whatever you want to call them. Why not?? Every movie HAS bloopers. Why can't they just tack them onto the dvd? Is it that hard? I love bloopers. Maybe even more than the movies themselves. So every movie should have them. And I mean every movie. We're talking Schindler's List here. Ok, maybe out of respect, we could skip the Holocaust movies. But that would be a large exception.

100 Ideas

...stolen from somewhere else.

1. Go for a walk. Draw or list things you find on the the sidewalk. 2. Write a letter to yourself in the future. 3. Buy something inexpensive as a symbol for your need to create, (new pen, a tea cup, journal). Use it everyday. 4. Draw your dinner. 5. Find a piece of poetry you respond to. Rewrite it and glue it into your journal. 6. Glue an envelope into your journal. For one week collect items you find on the street. 7. Expose yourself to a new artist, (go to a gallery, or in a book.) Write about what moves you about it. 8. Find a photo of a person you do not know. Write a brief bio about them. 9. Spend a day drawing only red things. 10. Draw your bike. 11. Make a list of everything you buy in the next week. 12. Make a map of everywhere you went in one day. 13. Draw a map of the creases on your hand, (knuckles, palm) 14. Trace your footsteps with chalk. 15. Record an overheard conversation. 16. Trace the path of the moon in relation to where you live. 17. Go to a paint store. Collect 'chips' of all your favorite colors. 18. Draw your favorite tree. 19. Take 15 minutes to eat an orange. 20. Write a haiku. 21. Hang upside down for five minutes. 22. Hang found objects from tree branches. 23. Make a puppet. 24. Create an outdoor room from things you find in nature. 25. Read a book in one day. 26. Illustrate your grocery list. 27. Read a story out loud to a friend. 28. Write a letter to someone you admire. 29. Study the face of someone you do not like. 30. Make a meal based on a color theme. (i.e. all white). 31. Creat a museum of very small things. 32. List the smells in your neighborhood. 33. List 100 uses for a tin can. 34. Fill an entire page in your jounral with small circles. Color them in. 35. Give away something you love. 36. Choose an object, draw the side you can't see. 37. List all of the places you've ever lived. 38. Describe your favourite room in detail. 39. Write about your relationship with your washing machine. 40. Draw all of the things in your purse/bag. 41. Make a mini book based on the theme, "my grocery list". 42. Create a character based on someone you know. Write a list of personality traits. 43. Recall your favorite childhood game. 44. Put postcards of art pieces/painting on the inside of your kitchen cupboard doors, so you can see them everyday (but not become deaf to them.) 45. Draw the same object every day for a week. 46. Write in your journal using a different medium (brush & ink, charcoal, old typewriter, crayons, fat markers. 47. Draw the individual items of your favorite outfit. 48. Make a useful item using only paper & tape. 49. Research a celebration or ritual from another culture. 50. Do a temporary art installation using a pad of post it notes & a pen. 51. Draw a map of your favorite sitting spots in your town/city. (photocopy it and give it to someone you like.) 52. Record all of the sounds you hear in the course of one hours. 53. Using a grid, collect various textures from magazine and play them off of each other. 54. Cut out all media for one day. Write about the effects. 55. Make pencil rubbings of six different surfaces. 56. Draw your garbage. 57. Do a morning collage. 58. List your ten most important things, (not including animals or people.) 59. List ten things you would like to do every day. 60. Glue a photo of yourself as a child into your journal. 61. Trasform some garbage. 62. Write an entry in your journal in really LARGE letters. 63. Collect some 'flat' things in nature (leaves, flowers). Glue or tape them into your journal. 64. Physically alter a page. (i.e. cut a hole, pour tea on it, burn it, fold it, etc.) 65. Find several color combinations you respond to in public. Document them using swatches, write where you found them. 66. Write a journal entry describing something "secret". Cut it up into several pieces and glue them back in scrambled. 67. Record descriptions or definitions of subjects or words you are interested in, found in encyclopedias or dictionaries. 68. Draw the outline of an object without looking at the page. (contour drawing). 69. What were you thinking just now? write it down. 70. Do nothing. 71. Write a list of ten things you could to do. Do the last thing on the list. 72. Create an image using dots. 73. Do 3 drawings at different speeds. 74. Put a small object in your left pocket (or in a bag), Put your left hand in the pocket. Draw it by feel. 75. Create a graph documenting or measuring something in your life. 76. Draw the sun. 77. Create instructions for a simple everyday task. 78. Make prints using food. (fruit and vegetables cut in half, fish, etc.) 79. Find a photo. Alter it by drawing over it. 80. Write a letter using an unconventional medium. 81. Draw one object for twenty minutes. 82. Combine two activities that have not been combined before. 83. Write about your day in an encyclopedic fashion. (i.e. organize by subject.) 84. Write a list of all the things you do to escape. 85. Cut a random shape out of several layers of a magazine. Make a collage out of the results. 86. Write an entry in code. 87. Make a painting using tools from the bathroom. 88. Work with a medium that is subtractive. 89. Write about or draw some of the doors in your life. 90. Make a postcard that has some kind of activity on it. 91. Divise a journal entry using "layers". 92. Divise an entry using "layers". 93. Write your own definition of one of the following concepts, sitting, waiting, sleeping (without using the actual word.) 94. List 10 of your habits. 95. Illustrate the concept of "simplicity".