rejected

I'm in a very bad place right now. Just feeling very rejected by all of humanity. Feeling like an alien in your own apartment is not fun. My dad told me this morning that my grandpa died last night. I'm ok with this, he was 92 and he had been really sick for the last couple of months. His actual death was a surprise because he had been stable, wasn't hooked up to any tubes or anything, we figured we had a few more months at the very least. But his nurse came in to give him his meds and he was lying on the floor of his bathroom. They believe he had a heart attack. It seems like he probably went pretty easily, so that's a comfort. I feel bad for my dad though (his son). I know he was caught off guard like all of us, even though we feel we don't have the right to be surprised since he was ill. And old. I called my dad today to say I was sorry and he had to work to keep his voice normal. This has nothing to do with my first couple of sentences. I'm not upset over his death. I mean I am, in the sense that it's upsetting when we lose someone; the idea that you will never see them again, never talk to them, etc. But he wasn't really himself for a while, and we weren't super close, so I'm not destroyed like people normally are. I just feel for my dad. But I started this paragraph talking about something else. Something infinitely more self-centered and petty. I don't feel like really getting into it right now, but I always feel like a reject in this world, like people think I'm too weird to relate to. And most of the time I can go through life not caring, or ignoring it, or convincing myself that it doesn't matter, but sometimes I just get so tired of that. I just want to be accepted and appreciated and treated like a fucking human being with as much value as anyone else. And tonight is one of those nights. So I was sitting here crying over myself and thinking "there is no one I can talk to to make it feel better." I could call my ex, because we're still friends and he's the one person that I really feel like myself around. But it's late, and it wouldn't be right anyway. I don't have a close friend, I couldn't call my parents. I don't believe in god, so I can't pray or imagine that there's a guy with a white beard looking down from his cloud thinking, "oh my child, my peace I give to you." And I was thinking, maybe there is life after death and my grandpa is recently passed, so maybe he could come sit with me. And as much as I would probably be scared out of my brain if I saw a "ghost", and as much as my grandpa of all people would be an awkward comforter for me, I was wishing for him to show up in my room and understand. And then I was thinking, "oh and then I could believe in an afterlife and God, and be happy and normal, and have meaning in my life and all that." But he didn't come. So I flipped channels on the tv, fruitlessly hoping that there would be some sort of sign from heaven in the late night talk shows and infomercials. Of course, no. Maybe he's busy reuniting with Grandma.