Drawing

I used to draw all the time, every day, every second. Then I went to college, and I wanted to take drawing classes, so I added an art major so that I could register for the classes. Being an art major demolished my confidence in my skills, as well as the joy I took in drawing. I haven't drawn since I graduated two and a half years ago. But I want to. I've tried several times, though. I start, or I just get out a pencil and paper and I can't even start. And I just lose it. I just can't do anything. All of these internal monologues take over. "I can't draw, it will turn out awful, it will look stupid, etc." And of course, that's all true. Because it will look bad. Because I haven't drawn in two years, so it's not going to be good. I have to work back up to drawing well. But it's hard to force myself to do it when I know it's going to look bad.

Before college, I was known for my drawing. People always told me how good I was, they would ask for portraits, they would turn to me whenever a group project required some art skills. Then in college, it was different. I can't remember anyone actually telling me that I was bad, but it was just that everyone else seemed to have a different attitude toward drawing. The other students did "art" while I just drew pictures. And sure, I was better at drawing pictures than any of them, but they saw it as such an insignificant skill. Like being able to do arithmetic in your head really quickly when everyone else is solving complicated theorems. It's impressive in a way, but who really cares? And even beyond that, I think some of them were a little resentful. Because all throughout school they were probably told that they needed to draw better in order to be an artist (because that is what elementary art is about), but they just wanted to create art. So finally they get to a place where they can really be creative and here's this girl who thinks that rendering well is all she needs to do. I get it, I do. But I never wanted to be an artist, to make art. I just wanted to draw. I don't care about being creative, I don't intend to make a living from my drawing, I don't intend to make people think or feel or argue. I just want to make drawings that look cool.