Very Boring Post About My Recent Eating Habits

I haven't been eating regularly lately. It started a week or two ago, I just didn't feel like eating ever. I know that I'm hungry, and I want to eat, purely to put food into my body, but I don't actually feel like eating any food. This is especially true at breakfast and dinner time. And lunch time. Especially on the weekends. So on the weekends, my eating has been really erratic. I'll eat cereal or some fruit in the morning, then I'll buy some sort of lunch, of which I will only eat about a third. And then by the evening I'll maybe eat a couple of crackers or a cookie or something. And that's it! And by that time I'm totally hungry. Stomach growling, feeling really weak and shaky. But I just go to bed and figure I'll eat tomorrow. But then I barely do. What the hell?

Normally, I love to eat. I generally eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I mean, "whatever I want" is usually fairly healthy. But I'm trying to say that I don't go on diets or watch what I eat or anything.

I can't figure out why. I'm not sick. I don't think I'm stressed out or anxious about anything, and even if I were, I have never before dealt with anxiety by not eating. It's a completely new thing for me.

A Good Day

Hi-
I just wanted to say that today was a good day. Nothing big happened, it was just very nice. I got to sleep in pretty late because my dance class was canceled (due to the crazy ice storm). My bed was really comfy and warm and newly sheeted (new flannel sheets that are a lovely gray color, making it even easier to be sleepy in them, and they look really lovely with my light purple blanket and white comforter). I was wearing new sweatpants that are the warmest, comfiest things I have ever encountered. My cat, Jane, came and slept with me for a while. Then I got up and showered immediately (I usually end up sitting around watching tv and doing nothing for a couple of hours if I have no where to be, and I always end up wishing I had just showered and gotten my shit together right away).

I had some yummy Chex cereal with bananas. Then I hung out for a while, did some laundry, had some lunch, painted my nails, aaaannnnnd the biggest thing: wrote my Personal Statement for my grad school application. My app is due December 3rd, and the Personal Statement is the only thing I had left to do, and I wanted to get my app done early, but I always procrastinate on stuff like this, so it was my goal to do it this weekend. Usually for stuff like this, I'll make a goal to get it done and then I allllways end up doing absolutely nothing and not getting it done and stressing out about how I'm not getting it done and consoling myself by doing something I enjoy...which is of course still not getting it done, but this time, I tooootally forced myself to just do it. And I did! And I shouldn't be this pleased with myself, considering the fact that I'm an adult and I should be able to do this stuff anyway. But whatever. It's the small things.

Ok, so then I had to go cat sit for a friend, so I hung out with the kitty for about an hour and half, got some dinner, finished some laundry, and hung out doing not much. A wooooonderfulllll way to recharge for the week (and a short week too!! Yay Thanksgiving!).

I just went on a date

Kind of a date I guess. So as you can tell from a previous post, I am not enjoying being single. I mean, I like it sometimes. I like the spending time by myself, and I like being able to sleep in my own bed and take up as much room as I want, and I like not having to worry about anyone else but me. But everything else sucks. And being 26, and being who I am, it feels like I'm going to end up an old maid. And I'm not ok with that. And here we go. And I have a bunch of friends who have found the loves of their lives on dating websites. So I. So I joined one. I don't really have much faith in it, but I figured, it doesn't take that much effort to create a profile. And who knows. I might as well. So I did, and it hasn't been fantastic so far, but I just met up with one of the guys who contacted me. He's nice, he's easy to talk to, we have similar interests. But you know. It's a very weird experience. I hate dates to begin with, and add to that the fact that it's essentially blind. It's a date, but kind of not really. Because there's nothing less romantic than selecting someone from a list of profiles, emailing, and agreeing to meet up for a walk. It's basically an interview. With the possibility of a kiss at the end. And I really had no intention of kissing him (the situation is just too far from anything sexual), but who knows what he was planning on? And it was fun, we had a good conversation. The ending was mildly awkward (is he leaning in for a hug or is he trying to kiss me?), but of course in my head it's TOTAL AWKWARDCITY. So I'm definitely dealing with some unnecessary anxiety right now. You know it's unhealthy anxiety when there's no point to it, but you just can't get the ucky feeling out of your body. Normal people would call their friends and recap and vent and feel better. Well, guess who doesn't have friends! Meeeeee. I have one friend, Chloe, whom I mentioned in a previous post. And I told her about my date (I hadn't planned to tell her I had even joined the website, but she asked me straight out). So you'd think she'd ask me how it went. Nope. And we had joked about the fact that I'm meeting up with a stranger and if I don't come back, you know who killed me. So I texted her to let her know I'm still alive. It's been over an hour and I haven't heard anything back yet. So that's nice.

And I had to basically kick one of my roommates out, so that was really uncomfortable today. One of my roommates, Piper, has been difficult to live with. I don't feel like re-hashing it here, but she constantly demonstrates a complete disregard for the people around her, and she's not very reliable in terms of being able to count on her living with me long-term. And Chloe wanted to move in, so I decided to ask Piper to find a new place once her lease was up. I emailed her about it because that's how we always communicate, and I was as sensitive about it as I could be. Well, she's pissed. And I understand being disappointed, but she has no right to be angry with me. So I have to deal with that. So that's nice too.

Usually when I have one of these ucky days, I do something to get my head out of it. Usually watch a movie or something, but it's just not working tonight. This is why people do drugs.

And I haven't even been able to eat anything tonight (first upset about the roommate and nervous about date and now recovering from date and still ruminating on roommate). This is where other people say, "I need a drink." Yeah, I need a drink. Too bad it tastes like shit.

I'm like totally a famous artist

So since being an art major ruined my desire or ability to draw, I haven't done anything art related in a long time. But this guy I know had this big open space on his wall that screamed for some art work. It was right above his fireplace and it was just this big, bare, span of wall. And he's the kind of guy who's pretty serious about keeping his life organized and nice and his condo is all very "well-appointed" as Austen would say. So I told him he needs something there and he totally agreed with me and said he'd been looking for something for a while but couldn't find anything he liked. So I mentioned that I could bang him out something simple if he wanted because it was really a problem to have that space of wall left empty. And he was really into the idea and we discussed what he was looking for, and I painted it! And then he paid me for it! And then he wanted me to do another one for the opposite wall, so I did that one too and he paid me for it! And he had people over and this girl liked my stuff and is interested in having me make something for her too. And these two people at work are interested in having me do stuff for them too. So...yeah...I'm basically Picasso now.

It's been weird doing these though. I've never been a painter. Even when I was doing "art" my thing was always drawing- just with a pencil or charcoal. So I really don't know how to paint and it just feels...so foreign. Plus, making paintings in this commercial way (just painting what someone else tells me to paint) feels strange because I feel like a little factory for the types of vapid faux paintings you buy at Target. Like I'm making home decor masquerading as art. Which I'm not opposed to, it just feels odd. I'm hoping I'll get to a point where I'm able to follow through on my own ideas for paintings and then people will pick from those. You know, like real painters.

My biggest fear about this has been that I'll make something my "client" doesn't like, but they've already commissioned it so they're stuck at this point. With my first painting for this guy, I was afraid of that, but he kept saying he thought it was great and he asked for another. And I just dropped off the second one, so I'm afraid again. I just really don't want to put him in the position where he has to pay for this thing that he's disappointed with and he feels like he has to have this thing on his wall that looks stupid. Art is very personal, and I don't want to make it awkward for anyone.

Back on Track

Oh man. I haven't been here since MAY 2009! I don't really know why I haven't been here but I just never felt like posting. And I felt bad thinking, you know...I don't know..since I have a blog I should be writing in it? I guess? But no one reads it (except that I have 4 followers...I don't know what a follower is actually), so it's really just for me and I can do whatever I want with my own damn blog so THERE.

So anyway, I guess my last post was the sad prostate cancer one and that really was one of the biggest reasons why I didn't write here for a while. I was really upset by the whole thing. To recap,

my dad had prostate cancer
since they hadn't caught it early it was very aggressive and advanced
he was preparing for his death
my parents had a contact at the Mayo Clinic
They have like the best cancer surgeon in the world
he had surgery to remove everything EVERYTHING
they haven't found anymore cancer so far
if he hadn't gotten the opportunity with that surgeon, he would not be alive

So we're stable now, and he has a new lease on life. He's wearing a lot of cowboy gear.

More recaps about the past year

I bought a house. Yeah.
I've been single for about a year and a half now.
same old job


So...I need to vent about a friend of mine because I have no one else I can vent to. I have a friend named Chloe and she has a boyfriend. They've been dating since June and she's in love with him. I'm really happy for her because they seem to be really great together and she's never been so happy with a guy before. YOU KNOW THE BUT IS COMING! Here it is. But she's doing the thing all people in love do where you can't stop talking about your person and how great they are and sighing and talking about all the sweet little things they do and how happy you are together. And she's kind of always been this way; she likes talking about her own life and doesn't really think to ask anyone else about theirs. And usually I can deal with it but it's been pretty relentless lately. Most people would get pretty annoyed about it after a while, but compounding it for me is that I'm not dating anyone, I haven't for a year and a half, and I'm generally feeling very ugly, unwanted, lonely, and hopeless. I will never find love, I will never find someone who wants me, I will never find someone I want, I will never be happy. I want to be excited for her, and I was, but I'm just getting really beaten down by it. I don't know how to react to her anymore when she does it. There are only so many times I can say, "aww" "that's sweet" "i'm so happy for you." She has friends who have boyfriends, I feel like she should only say that stuff to them. And the thing that bugs me the most is that she never seems to realize that POSSIBLY it might be hard for me to hear this stuff. That MAYBE her good friend Vee is having a hard time right now. It never seems to occur to her to check in with me. And I don't try to hide it or anything. I try to be upbeat and friendly most of the time, but when we've talked about guys and love, I've definitely said that I'm not in a good place right now. And she just doesn't seem to care. I need someone to care.

Daddy

This might be a little heavy, but my dad found out today that he has prostate cancer. He's 63, so it was pretty much bound to happen some time soon, but this seems a little too soon. I don't know anything about prostate cancer except that it basically gets to all men at some point. "If you don't die from it, you die with it." But I don't know what kind of prognosis people like him have. He's still relatively young, he's in otherwise good health, they caught it before it was really affecting him physically (the only reason why they tested him was because his somethingsomething levels were elevated). He's going to be having surgery. What does that mean? Is it like a tumor? Can you remove it? Will he have to do chemo? Will he die?

My dad lost most of his hair to old manness a while ago, but the thought of him losing it all (including his bushy eyebrows) is something that wrecks me. My dad raised me (my mom worked a lot). He's my guy. He carried me like a princess when I scraped my knee as a kid, he brushed my hair, he gave me ginger ale when I was sick, he watched movies with me to calm me down before I took my SATs, he cries when he reads my Father's Day cards. I would not be a whole me if he were not in this world with me.

You know what's not helping? I'm watching the damn Biggest Loser finale. How can you not cry at this show?

Old People

I recently realized that old people weren't always old. Which is obvious. But I never really thought about it. Kids are kids, adults are adults, and old people are old people. But I'm going to be old one day. One day soon, if we're thinking with a larger than average scope here. And when I get old, I won't be used to it. I always think old people have always been old, so having aching bones and bad memories is just old hat to them, but it's not. Every change in their bodies and minds is new and strange. So when they complain about their bodies it's because they never thought it would happen to them. It's true! We never think it'll happen to us. My body isn't falling apart because I'm a young person. But my body is falling apart. Every day, bit by bit. That's so sad, but I don't mean to be depressing. I just find it interesting. I think it makes me appreciate my youth a little more. Because I know I won't have it forever.

My brain is broken

It's this little guy's fault

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLdQ3UhLoD4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcuteoverload.com%2F2009%2F04%2F22%2Fi-had-that-dream-again-last-night%2F&feature=player_embedded

OH BY THE WAY

The whole "girls don't poop" conversation came up again today. So...you know, it really does happen. Like a lot. A lot more than it should. Which is never.

Twitter

Man, it's been a while.

So here's my belief about Twitter: Old people think it's the next big thing and all the kids are doing it, so they do it too. But really, only old people use Twitter, and we young folks are just fine with our Facebook thankyouverymuch.

I think this because I have no interest in Twitter, I have no friends who have an interest in it, and I've never heard a young person talking about wanting to join. On the other hand, I've heard Oprah, Barbara Walters, Larry King, U.S. Senators, etc all talking about joining. "I'm putting myself on that new fangled Twitter thing all the kids are doing. I'll send you guys a ..what is it called? a Tweet? A Tweet? It's called Twitter but you send Tweets?" OHH GOD SHUT UP

Can Twitter be passe yet?

List of Asshole Characters

There are some beloved characters from children's books, movies, etc. that are assholes, if you really think about it. Here are a few:

Curious George. He wasn't curious. Let's call it what it was. He was an asshole. He was always doing things he knew he wasn't supposed to do: breaking things, running away, stealing that poor man's hat. I don't know why that guy put up with him.

Mary Poppins. I know, she's so fun and helpful and tidy, but she was a bitch. She took those kids on a crazy acid-trip adventure, and then when they get home and try to tell their parents about it, she's like, "What? You kids are crazy. We've been hanging out here all day." And they're just like, "Are we crazy? Did we just hallucinate? Or if not, why is she telling us to lie? I thought she loved us...." Those poor emotionally abused children.

The Trix Cereal Kids. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" Come on assholes, can't you give him one damn bite? Would it be SO hard? You seemingly have an endless supply of that crap, and he just wants to try a little taste.

The Mouse that wanted the cookie. Do you have to give him everything? He'll never learn that way. Life is about give and take; relationships take work. He can't expect to lead a fulfilling life if he never gives anything of himself.

Ok, I'm not saying that Madeline was a bitch, but she was one bratty little girl. Ugh just look at her. She's so damn smug.


By the way, people, I'm loving all the comments! Thanks for joining me here. I wish I could "reply" to your comments, but it'll just make a new comment and you won't see it unless you obsessively check back here regularly...which would scare me. Let me know if there is some way to actually reply to others instead of just starting a whole new comment entry.

Am I Gonna Gross You Out?

Here's another thing I hate. Have you ever heard a guy say, "I refuse to believe that girls shit"? I've heard that so many times. Guys either joke (I hope!) about not believing that we shit, or they say they don't want to know about it, think about it, if they were married, they never want to hear, see, or smell anything in that realm associated with their wives, etc. etc. And the girls always play along. "Oh we don't shit. Rainbows and rose petals. Glitter. Our food just dissolves into our bloodstream and converts to oxygen, anythingyouwantifyoujustvalidatemy
existencebyshowingaromanticinterestinme."

Can we please effing stop this?

I'm a girl. I'm cute, feminine, polite, and classy (and modest too!). But guess what, assholes! I shit. And I should not have to feel uncomfortable about that. I should not have go to unimaginable lengths to hide the fact from any male companion. I will always be a very discreet person, because that is my personality, but I should not have to be paranoid about someone discovering the fact that my body processes food in the same way that every other human being's does.

Especially considering the fact that guys are allowed to speak of dropping a deuce as if it's a transcendent, rapturous experience...one which can warrant photographic documenting.

And Here's Where I Alienate a Shitload of People

Ok, here's my deal with recreational marijuana. I hate it. I don't know why exactly, I can't put my finger on it, but I hate pot. Not in the sense that I hate smoking it; I've never experienced it personally (what an ignorant schmuck I am!), I just hate the idea of it, I hate that people do it, I hate learning that someone I know does it or did it or wants to do it. And it seems that about 90% of this nation is smoking pot, which is all the more disheartening.

Here's my best attempt to explain why I hate it. First off, I don't really like the idea of any kind of "drug." Cigarettes, coffee, energy drinks, yes, even alcohol ...meth of course. I'm no Mormon, I don't have a moral issue with it, it's not so much, "body is your temple" kind of thing. I just hate the idea of people needing something to make them feel normal. Like when people say, "ugh, don't talk to me until I have my coffee." "I'm dying in here, I need a cigarette." Why can't we just be ourselves whoever that happens to be? I'm grumpy and sleepy in the morning. And that's ok. I'm stressed out, and that's ok. I AM OK WITH FEELING THINGS.

So, yes, any type of drug is not a friend of mine. And pot is especially annoying because it (stereotypically) makes people lazy, stupid, and, irresponsible. So it's not even making people friendlier or more productive (like caffeine). And it smells like SHIT. And it's a waste of time and money.

But I think mainly my issue with pot is that people think they're so cool when they use it. I don't have good evidence for this, it's just a general sense. Like with any drug, people think they are cooler for doing it. The way they sit, the way they hold the piece, the way they draw out their words like they're just too cool to care about nerdy things like diction and enunciation. And words with more than one syllable. Why are we perpetually stuck in 7th grade?? Always trying to be cool, whatever the fuck that means. I hate anything that people do out of the pursuit of coolness (though I especially hate anything that people choose NOT to do simply out the pursuit of coolness).

So anyway, back to grass. weed. hash. Mary Jane. heh heh it's like "marijuana" except it's like a little code word. heheheheh ughhhh........

Sigh...sorry guys, I'm just not cool enough for that shit. Off I go to my apple juice and Cadbury's Fruit and Nut Bar.

The Cosby Show

Was this not the best show on earth?? Cliff and his hoagies and orange soda, Rudy and "Buuuud", the cutefest that was Olivia, ugh. Just everything. Tonight, they aired the one where we're taken inside Rudy's dream or something, and the family is all wearing costumes that are made to look like children's drawings (white in back, like the back side of the paper!). How creative is that? And the relationship between Cliff and Clair. The balance of humor and sincerity, and passion and respect. The way Cliff would give his kids a hard time about getting out of his house, but he spends so much time with them, trying to help them with their problems. Clair being a lawyer. They could have made her anything. But they made her a lawyer. She's smart and elegant and classy. Ughhh what a great show. And now what do we have? King of Queens. Everybody Loves Raymond. Still Standing. Gross.

3 Things

1. I was in a restaurant bathroom the other day and the toilet seat WAS HEATED. But of course, it's not like there was a sign there telling me this or anything, I had to figure it out myself. I was peeing and the seat was nice and warm...and I figured it was just from the person before me (EW!), but it didn't fade...it was consistently the same temperature. When I was done peeing, I even put the back of my hand on the seat to make sure my thighs weren't crazy. Yes, it was warm. Now, I am the first person on this planet to vote for more warm things. I love warm things. The warmer the better. But this was creepytown.

2. I just saw a commercial for a new movie coming up. It's called "17 Again" or something like that, and it's starring Zac Efron. Now it's true that I am a Twilight fan, but I am not in general a tween-style fangrrl, so Zac Efron does nothing for me. HOWEVER. This movie looks fantastic. I am ashamed, but I want to see this movie. It looks really funny. And Zefron is actually pretty cute acting all paternal. Is that weird?

3. Clive Owen. What is his deal. He is a really good actor and he is very sexy. He could be in some really great movies. But what has he done with his career? He's done bullshit, that's what. King Arthur? Shoot 'Em Up? DUPLICITY?? He was fantastic in Closer. And maybe Shoot Em Up was a good movie for what it was meant to be, but what it was meant to be was a joke. And if one of your best movies is "Children of Men", you've got problems. And now this Duplicity bullshit. Come on Clive! Have some pride in yourself.

Vibrating Beds

I want one. When I'm in a car or on a bus, the bumping of the road makes me fall asleep in like 2 seconds. So if I could just get myself a vibrating bed, I could fall asleep right when I want to, instead of laying there waiting for sleep to come. I tried looking up vibrating beds because I know they existed at some point, at least in cheap motels in the sixties, but I couldn't really figure out what they were supposed to be for. Whenever I've seen them in movies they were being associated with sex ...or just scuminess. But surely they weren't actually made for that reason. ...right? So they must have been made as a sleep aid. Like enough other people had the same need to be jostled around that they actually rigged up some beds? Well where are they now?! Let's bring 'em back baby!

rejected

I'm in a very bad place right now. Just feeling very rejected by all of humanity. Feeling like an alien in your own apartment is not fun. My dad told me this morning that my grandpa died last night. I'm ok with this, he was 92 and he had been really sick for the last couple of months. His actual death was a surprise because he had been stable, wasn't hooked up to any tubes or anything, we figured we had a few more months at the very least. But his nurse came in to give him his meds and he was lying on the floor of his bathroom. They believe he had a heart attack. It seems like he probably went pretty easily, so that's a comfort. I feel bad for my dad though (his son). I know he was caught off guard like all of us, even though we feel we don't have the right to be surprised since he was ill. And old. I called my dad today to say I was sorry and he had to work to keep his voice normal. This has nothing to do with my first couple of sentences. I'm not upset over his death. I mean I am, in the sense that it's upsetting when we lose someone; the idea that you will never see them again, never talk to them, etc. But he wasn't really himself for a while, and we weren't super close, so I'm not destroyed like people normally are. I just feel for my dad. But I started this paragraph talking about something else. Something infinitely more self-centered and petty. I don't feel like really getting into it right now, but I always feel like a reject in this world, like people think I'm too weird to relate to. And most of the time I can go through life not caring, or ignoring it, or convincing myself that it doesn't matter, but sometimes I just get so tired of that. I just want to be accepted and appreciated and treated like a fucking human being with as much value as anyone else. And tonight is one of those nights. So I was sitting here crying over myself and thinking "there is no one I can talk to to make it feel better." I could call my ex, because we're still friends and he's the one person that I really feel like myself around. But it's late, and it wouldn't be right anyway. I don't have a close friend, I couldn't call my parents. I don't believe in god, so I can't pray or imagine that there's a guy with a white beard looking down from his cloud thinking, "oh my child, my peace I give to you." And I was thinking, maybe there is life after death and my grandpa is recently passed, so maybe he could come sit with me. And as much as I would probably be scared out of my brain if I saw a "ghost", and as much as my grandpa of all people would be an awkward comforter for me, I was wishing for him to show up in my room and understand. And then I was thinking, "oh and then I could believe in an afterlife and God, and be happy and normal, and have meaning in my life and all that." But he didn't come. So I flipped channels on the tv, fruitlessly hoping that there would be some sort of sign from heaven in the late night talk shows and infomercials. Of course, no. Maybe he's busy reuniting with Grandma.

Seckel Pears

Can we talk about Seckel Pears for a minute? I just discovered these little guys a couple of weeks ago, and I'm in love. They're amazing. They are sweeter than normal pears, seemingly always ripe, and just the right size. A normal pear is too big for me, especially if I just want a snack, or if I want to be hungry enough to eat again in the next 5 hours. But these little guys are perfect. Just a few bites of heaven and you're done! Or...ready for the next one. How mundane can this blog get? A post dedicated to pears? Really? Well, you obviously haven't tried these nuggets of paradise. Mundane, perhaps, but this is my life bitch! Deal with it.

Orchid

Y'all, I gotta change my little profile blurb. My orchid died. How did this happen?? I bought it like a month and a half ago, and my co-worker bought one at the same time so that we could go through it together. The woman at the flower shop told us to water them like once or twice a month and then spray them once a week. Every other thing we read told us to water them once a week. But the flower shop lady stressed that it should be once or twice a month because everyone drowns theirs. So that's what we did. And what happened? They shriveled up and died. Throwing away a dead plant is so sad. But looking at one every day is even worse.

Bloopers

Bloopers. We need more of them. Every time I rent a video, I check the "specials features" section. And 95% of the time, there are no bloopers. Outtakes, gag real, whatever you want to call them. Why not?? Every movie HAS bloopers. Why can't they just tack them onto the dvd? Is it that hard? I love bloopers. Maybe even more than the movies themselves. So every movie should have them. And I mean every movie. We're talking Schindler's List here. Ok, maybe out of respect, we could skip the Holocaust movies. But that would be a large exception.