Very Boring Post About My Recent Eating Habits

I haven't been eating regularly lately. It started a week or two ago, I just didn't feel like eating ever. I know that I'm hungry, and I want to eat, purely to put food into my body, but I don't actually feel like eating any food. This is especially true at breakfast and dinner time. And lunch time. Especially on the weekends. So on the weekends, my eating has been really erratic. I'll eat cereal or some fruit in the morning, then I'll buy some sort of lunch, of which I will only eat about a third. And then by the evening I'll maybe eat a couple of crackers or a cookie or something. And that's it! And by that time I'm totally hungry. Stomach growling, feeling really weak and shaky. But I just go to bed and figure I'll eat tomorrow. But then I barely do. What the hell?

Normally, I love to eat. I generally eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I mean, "whatever I want" is usually fairly healthy. But I'm trying to say that I don't go on diets or watch what I eat or anything.

I can't figure out why. I'm not sick. I don't think I'm stressed out or anxious about anything, and even if I were, I have never before dealt with anxiety by not eating. It's a completely new thing for me.

A Good Day

Hi-
I just wanted to say that today was a good day. Nothing big happened, it was just very nice. I got to sleep in pretty late because my dance class was canceled (due to the crazy ice storm). My bed was really comfy and warm and newly sheeted (new flannel sheets that are a lovely gray color, making it even easier to be sleepy in them, and they look really lovely with my light purple blanket and white comforter). I was wearing new sweatpants that are the warmest, comfiest things I have ever encountered. My cat, Jane, came and slept with me for a while. Then I got up and showered immediately (I usually end up sitting around watching tv and doing nothing for a couple of hours if I have no where to be, and I always end up wishing I had just showered and gotten my shit together right away).

I had some yummy Chex cereal with bananas. Then I hung out for a while, did some laundry, had some lunch, painted my nails, aaaannnnnd the biggest thing: wrote my Personal Statement for my grad school application. My app is due December 3rd, and the Personal Statement is the only thing I had left to do, and I wanted to get my app done early, but I always procrastinate on stuff like this, so it was my goal to do it this weekend. Usually for stuff like this, I'll make a goal to get it done and then I allllways end up doing absolutely nothing and not getting it done and stressing out about how I'm not getting it done and consoling myself by doing something I enjoy...which is of course still not getting it done, but this time, I tooootally forced myself to just do it. And I did! And I shouldn't be this pleased with myself, considering the fact that I'm an adult and I should be able to do this stuff anyway. But whatever. It's the small things.

Ok, so then I had to go cat sit for a friend, so I hung out with the kitty for about an hour and half, got some dinner, finished some laundry, and hung out doing not much. A wooooonderfulllll way to recharge for the week (and a short week too!! Yay Thanksgiving!).

I just went on a date

Kind of a date I guess. So as you can tell from a previous post, I am not enjoying being single. I mean, I like it sometimes. I like the spending time by myself, and I like being able to sleep in my own bed and take up as much room as I want, and I like not having to worry about anyone else but me. But everything else sucks. And being 26, and being who I am, it feels like I'm going to end up an old maid. And I'm not ok with that. And here we go. And I have a bunch of friends who have found the loves of their lives on dating websites. So I. So I joined one. I don't really have much faith in it, but I figured, it doesn't take that much effort to create a profile. And who knows. I might as well. So I did, and it hasn't been fantastic so far, but I just met up with one of the guys who contacted me. He's nice, he's easy to talk to, we have similar interests. But you know. It's a very weird experience. I hate dates to begin with, and add to that the fact that it's essentially blind. It's a date, but kind of not really. Because there's nothing less romantic than selecting someone from a list of profiles, emailing, and agreeing to meet up for a walk. It's basically an interview. With the possibility of a kiss at the end. And I really had no intention of kissing him (the situation is just too far from anything sexual), but who knows what he was planning on? And it was fun, we had a good conversation. The ending was mildly awkward (is he leaning in for a hug or is he trying to kiss me?), but of course in my head it's TOTAL AWKWARDCITY. So I'm definitely dealing with some unnecessary anxiety right now. You know it's unhealthy anxiety when there's no point to it, but you just can't get the ucky feeling out of your body. Normal people would call their friends and recap and vent and feel better. Well, guess who doesn't have friends! Meeeeee. I have one friend, Chloe, whom I mentioned in a previous post. And I told her about my date (I hadn't planned to tell her I had even joined the website, but she asked me straight out). So you'd think she'd ask me how it went. Nope. And we had joked about the fact that I'm meeting up with a stranger and if I don't come back, you know who killed me. So I texted her to let her know I'm still alive. It's been over an hour and I haven't heard anything back yet. So that's nice.

And I had to basically kick one of my roommates out, so that was really uncomfortable today. One of my roommates, Piper, has been difficult to live with. I don't feel like re-hashing it here, but she constantly demonstrates a complete disregard for the people around her, and she's not very reliable in terms of being able to count on her living with me long-term. And Chloe wanted to move in, so I decided to ask Piper to find a new place once her lease was up. I emailed her about it because that's how we always communicate, and I was as sensitive about it as I could be. Well, she's pissed. And I understand being disappointed, but she has no right to be angry with me. So I have to deal with that. So that's nice too.

Usually when I have one of these ucky days, I do something to get my head out of it. Usually watch a movie or something, but it's just not working tonight. This is why people do drugs.

And I haven't even been able to eat anything tonight (first upset about the roommate and nervous about date and now recovering from date and still ruminating on roommate). This is where other people say, "I need a drink." Yeah, I need a drink. Too bad it tastes like shit.

I'm like totally a famous artist

So since being an art major ruined my desire or ability to draw, I haven't done anything art related in a long time. But this guy I know had this big open space on his wall that screamed for some art work. It was right above his fireplace and it was just this big, bare, span of wall. And he's the kind of guy who's pretty serious about keeping his life organized and nice and his condo is all very "well-appointed" as Austen would say. So I told him he needs something there and he totally agreed with me and said he'd been looking for something for a while but couldn't find anything he liked. So I mentioned that I could bang him out something simple if he wanted because it was really a problem to have that space of wall left empty. And he was really into the idea and we discussed what he was looking for, and I painted it! And then he paid me for it! And then he wanted me to do another one for the opposite wall, so I did that one too and he paid me for it! And he had people over and this girl liked my stuff and is interested in having me make something for her too. And these two people at work are interested in having me do stuff for them too. So...yeah...I'm basically Picasso now.

It's been weird doing these though. I've never been a painter. Even when I was doing "art" my thing was always drawing- just with a pencil or charcoal. So I really don't know how to paint and it just feels...so foreign. Plus, making paintings in this commercial way (just painting what someone else tells me to paint) feels strange because I feel like a little factory for the types of vapid faux paintings you buy at Target. Like I'm making home decor masquerading as art. Which I'm not opposed to, it just feels odd. I'm hoping I'll get to a point where I'm able to follow through on my own ideas for paintings and then people will pick from those. You know, like real painters.

My biggest fear about this has been that I'll make something my "client" doesn't like, but they've already commissioned it so they're stuck at this point. With my first painting for this guy, I was afraid of that, but he kept saying he thought it was great and he asked for another. And I just dropped off the second one, so I'm afraid again. I just really don't want to put him in the position where he has to pay for this thing that he's disappointed with and he feels like he has to have this thing on his wall that looks stupid. Art is very personal, and I don't want to make it awkward for anyone.

Back on Track

Oh man. I haven't been here since MAY 2009! I don't really know why I haven't been here but I just never felt like posting. And I felt bad thinking, you know...I don't know..since I have a blog I should be writing in it? I guess? But no one reads it (except that I have 4 followers...I don't know what a follower is actually), so it's really just for me and I can do whatever I want with my own damn blog so THERE.

So anyway, I guess my last post was the sad prostate cancer one and that really was one of the biggest reasons why I didn't write here for a while. I was really upset by the whole thing. To recap,

my dad had prostate cancer
since they hadn't caught it early it was very aggressive and advanced
he was preparing for his death
my parents had a contact at the Mayo Clinic
They have like the best cancer surgeon in the world
he had surgery to remove everything EVERYTHING
they haven't found anymore cancer so far
if he hadn't gotten the opportunity with that surgeon, he would not be alive

So we're stable now, and he has a new lease on life. He's wearing a lot of cowboy gear.

More recaps about the past year

I bought a house. Yeah.
I've been single for about a year and a half now.
same old job


So...I need to vent about a friend of mine because I have no one else I can vent to. I have a friend named Chloe and she has a boyfriend. They've been dating since June and she's in love with him. I'm really happy for her because they seem to be really great together and she's never been so happy with a guy before. YOU KNOW THE BUT IS COMING! Here it is. But she's doing the thing all people in love do where you can't stop talking about your person and how great they are and sighing and talking about all the sweet little things they do and how happy you are together. And she's kind of always been this way; she likes talking about her own life and doesn't really think to ask anyone else about theirs. And usually I can deal with it but it's been pretty relentless lately. Most people would get pretty annoyed about it after a while, but compounding it for me is that I'm not dating anyone, I haven't for a year and a half, and I'm generally feeling very ugly, unwanted, lonely, and hopeless. I will never find love, I will never find someone who wants me, I will never find someone I want, I will never be happy. I want to be excited for her, and I was, but I'm just getting really beaten down by it. I don't know how to react to her anymore when she does it. There are only so many times I can say, "aww" "that's sweet" "i'm so happy for you." She has friends who have boyfriends, I feel like she should only say that stuff to them. And the thing that bugs me the most is that she never seems to realize that POSSIBLY it might be hard for me to hear this stuff. That MAYBE her good friend Vee is having a hard time right now. It never seems to occur to her to check in with me. And I don't try to hide it or anything. I try to be upbeat and friendly most of the time, but when we've talked about guys and love, I've definitely said that I'm not in a good place right now. And she just doesn't seem to care. I need someone to care.

Daddy

This might be a little heavy, but my dad found out today that he has prostate cancer. He's 63, so it was pretty much bound to happen some time soon, but this seems a little too soon. I don't know anything about prostate cancer except that it basically gets to all men at some point. "If you don't die from it, you die with it." But I don't know what kind of prognosis people like him have. He's still relatively young, he's in otherwise good health, they caught it before it was really affecting him physically (the only reason why they tested him was because his somethingsomething levels were elevated). He's going to be having surgery. What does that mean? Is it like a tumor? Can you remove it? Will he have to do chemo? Will he die?

My dad lost most of his hair to old manness a while ago, but the thought of him losing it all (including his bushy eyebrows) is something that wrecks me. My dad raised me (my mom worked a lot). He's my guy. He carried me like a princess when I scraped my knee as a kid, he brushed my hair, he gave me ginger ale when I was sick, he watched movies with me to calm me down before I took my SATs, he cries when he reads my Father's Day cards. I would not be a whole me if he were not in this world with me.

You know what's not helping? I'm watching the damn Biggest Loser finale. How can you not cry at this show?

Old People

I recently realized that old people weren't always old. Which is obvious. But I never really thought about it. Kids are kids, adults are adults, and old people are old people. But I'm going to be old one day. One day soon, if we're thinking with a larger than average scope here. And when I get old, I won't be used to it. I always think old people have always been old, so having aching bones and bad memories is just old hat to them, but it's not. Every change in their bodies and minds is new and strange. So when they complain about their bodies it's because they never thought it would happen to them. It's true! We never think it'll happen to us. My body isn't falling apart because I'm a young person. But my body is falling apart. Every day, bit by bit. That's so sad, but I don't mean to be depressing. I just find it interesting. I think it makes me appreciate my youth a little more. Because I know I won't have it forever.